Monday, June 08, 2009
Letting Go .. Damn you facebook!
The level of procrastination I have applied to writing this post deserves a medal. I almost chickened out but then I realized that this is the catharsis that I need. It's kind of funny when I think of how easily I cower when faced with writing about the things that hurt. I now realize that those who write me for advice are braver than they will ever know. Let me get into the meat of the matter.
For weeks now .. okay months I have been facing a slow and painful reality. My once plural status is now painfully and starkly singular. The slow part I blame myself for after all I was told in no uncertain terms it was over but the heart hears what it wants to and so I have remained hopeful and If I'm being completely honest even now while writing this I still am. "Go figure". The painful part apart from the obvious severance of a important part of my life I blame wholely on facebook...
Facebook has made my life a living hell. What was once a way to keep in touch has now become a constant reminder. The new profile pictures and the tags in new women albums always and this is not an exaggeration ALWAYS makes my stomach drop. Pathetic I know I do not need anyone to tell me. Family and friends are constantly urging me to delete or block but as my previous statement said "I remain hopeful". Its easier said than done people, to delete is right up there with accidentally sending THAT letter to your boss. You can't take it back. It's irreversible. If letting go was so hard during the times of letters and carrier pigeons can you imagine how hard it is now? With facebook you can let go without really doing so.
So self torture it is. My heart will continue to jump when I see a status update or that I have a message in my inbox. I'll still wonder who is that bitch writing on your wall (but I wont ask) and I'll definitely want to know have I been replaced already?
But I also use facebook as a gauge cause the day when my heart beat remains steady and I can no longer feel it in my neck, the day the flashbacks stop and the questions stop swimming in my head all day and night then I know I have truly let go.
for now I haven't though...
Hope and Love,
But for now I'm still hopeful
*afterthought: I feel like a retard :p but also better