Tuesday, February 23, 2010

X-FREN? : When your partners best friends with the EX

What a gwaan,


Let me start off by saying that how someone feels in this situation is highly based on context. As a result I'm going to tread lightly here as I have been on the hostile end of this situation. I have been that ex who is still best friends. Hell!! I get grief for just being the female friend. Now ladies... As much as i would like to take your sides with this I have to tell you, some of you are straight up tripping. Sometimes you act so jealous and so insecure that you make the man start to wonder what is it about this girl (the best friend) that he might be missing. Surely you cant be tripping for nothing.


Now Listen Mi!! I'm not saying that shady shit doesn't happen , oh yes it does. And it's only human to feel somewhat left out on the inside jokes, the knowing stares the deep stuff he/she might share with that ex. I mean no one wants to feel like a third wheel in their own relationship. BUT take it from someone who's been that best friend... pissing me off is NOT the way to go. I'm not saying you should bow down and be afraid because frankly I'd never hold this over anyones head. However, I do believe that a new partner should respect the HISTORY. Should respect that its takes time to build trust and being with someone 3 -4 months cannot possible equate to a 4 yr relationship. So yes, there are going to be things that he's more comfortable speaking to me about. What's even funny is oftentimes he's asking me for advice about you, so I reiterate pissing me off ... not so smart an idea. 


I do believe that if you start feeling like the little sister tagging along or if that ex is ALWAYS around then that is a discussion to take up with your man/woman and if things don't change then there's a deeper decision to be made. But for the love of God Please! Please! PLEASE! Do not attack the friend! the onus is on your man/woman to set those boundaries. 


At the end of the day KNOW THIS they're the EX that was the past and your are the NOW... Be rationale because You might just push and end up really taking her place. 


Think About it...




Faith and Love, 


Mamachell

13 comments:

Hello Miss Jean! said...

Yes! "Now listen mi!" I love this and can relate. I haven't had a female best friend since 1998 so it's only been guy best friends for me and my current "bestie" is a cool guy who I love very much!

But previous to him, I've been in close friendships with other guys where their girl was intimidated, rude, or she just plain HATED our friendship. I despise these women. Insecure bullies with too much time on their hands if they're trying to figure out if I have an agenda.

FYI ladies: Not all women are vindictive, sneaky, grimey or want your man. Some of us are actually friends and damn good ones. Trust me...you'd rather your man be friends with someone like me rather than a girl who will f*ck him then plan your wedding shower.

Sometimes "just friends" means that.

Bam!

Claudia

Kai said...

The ex as best friend?? Such strange things. Personally I don't business wit no girls ex, and if she gonna be preserving that relationship instead of growing us... Maybe it's time to move on ( tired of people saying "on to the next one")

TamekaB said...

You covered some great points in that post & I can relate cuz I am an ex-friend.

Keli said...

I think it varies from person to person, and relationship to relationship, but ultimately, it's about respect. If she feels respected by you, or the two of you together, than that's a problem... a lesson that took me a while to learn, until I was on the receiving end. Sometimes as the "friend" we can tend to be overbearing, because we were once the "lover" we at times can feel that makes us privy to things that it does not in regards to his time, or knowledge regarding the happenings of his relationship. At some point, he may meet someone and he might have to make a decision, what I had to learn, was that if I were truly his friend, I would have never put in in the position to choose.

Roger said...

Nice one Chelan....as always.

Shey721 said...

Very nice.....but I'd also like to add that the "ex-fren" and partner should be mindful of the new partner. U should wait until the new partner feels comfortable enough with the situation & sees for themselves that y'all just friends after all. Respect is earned, not given.

QuickBrownFox said...

While I appreciate where you're coming from Mamachel, I've seen many occasions where the ex-girlfriend becomes the girl on the side.

Of course this doesn't happen all the time, but I'm sure this knowledge would give a girl pause if her man was very chummy with his ex until she gets to know her herself (and sees there's nothing apparent to worry about).

As a man I'd love to say there's never the possibility of a problem developing, but that'd be disingenuous on my part. :-P

Salma said...

I don't have male friends, but generally I can't say that boundaries are a must.

Anonymous said...

Alright didn't get to read prev comments but I'm 50/50 on this. I have been on both ends, so while I was d ex that he ran to for everything, I felt in control, needed and still very relevant in his life. Actually had a secret 'tinge of happiness' when the g/f get vex. You know those yeah I can hype on a girl moments, yea those. Then flip d script, he's great frens with the ex and he can talk to her abt sports and random guy stuff (I don't want talk about those), so everytime I see her name on d phone str8 rue-ing. I start cursing and issuing ultimatums, yeah childish perhaps, but hey no woman wants to FEEL like she's # 2 in her man's life. Note I said feel, caus he may adore u and def treat you as d ONE, but yea how YOU FEEL matters. In a ideal situation, I dnt want my man being besties with his ex. On d flippy, I av great convos with ma ex, but out of respect n my demands I keep convos on a minimum and ensure we not d best of frens. Whew, yea women r complicated lol

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